Blog Post 5: The Game of Life
August 16th, 2008
My strategy for sidetracking frustration and recapturing connection in heated moments.
Being in a relationship is NOT easy! In the big picture, there’s no question: Finn is full of qualities to admire. I feel lucky to be the one admiring them up close! But as in any normal relationship – DAMN! – he can drive me nuts with his little quirks! As I, no doubt, can do to him.
Isn’t this inevitable when living in close quarters? Unless our special someone is our clone, he is going to, at times, approach the world quite differently than we would. And really, would we want to date a man too similar to ourselves? BORING. So I tell myself to treasure the differences.
Finn approaches everything in life methodically; I’m the spontaneous type. Finn is a comparative shopper; I’m an impulse buyer. Standing in the middle of Best Buy last week, arguing with Finn, I tried out my new strategy for overcoming frustration in the moment…by transforming it to an acknowledgement of our differences.
Here’s how it unfolds:
1) We disagree while shopping. It’s suddenly clear to me the idea to purchase a certain product is a good one, while Finn would like to compare to products and pricing at other stores, do some minor calculations, and perhaps even sleep on the matter…for a good week.
2) I feel frustrated at his approach to the matter at hand.
3) Rather than immediately react from that place of frustration (for example, by shouting or pouting), I let myself be curious about the feeling of frustration that has arisen in me.
4) I see the frustration is a quick reaction created in the face of fear of the unknown. It’s just that Finn’s approach is unknown and scary to me. After all, I’ve been through life making many decisions in the blink of an eye, so his method seems counterproductive.
5) Seeing the conflict as a result of perfectly normal differences, I ponder the ways and instances in which his approach (as opposed to mine) is beneficial and helpful. In the case of shopping, we all know the benefits of thinking before buying.
6) Right then, instead of reacting to his manner in frustration, I stop and tell Finn how I appreciate that unique quality of this that I don’t share.
7) My frustration and anxiety are gone. I’ve let them go in order to verbalize the strengths of the very behavior of Finn’s that that moments ago put me on the train to crazytown.
In time, I think I will stop reacting in frustration initially, and all I’ll feel is the appreciation for our differences. Now if only I could get Finn to reciprocate! 
I’m curious if any of you readers have little games or strategies to help you turn potentially frustrating experiences into positive ones. Please use the comment feature and share!
